I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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