The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
