so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
