just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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