oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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