I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
