Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
