Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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