I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
my poor anus
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
