Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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