Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
