I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
