He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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