I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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