she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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