I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
