Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
