i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
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Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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