i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
