She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my being single is dangerous.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
