I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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