Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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