Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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