Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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