I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
