I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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