I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
