oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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