I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
accomplished twins. life is a go
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
