New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
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i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
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Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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