I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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