Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
