I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
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Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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