I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
