Already got asked if we're dating
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My cat gives me a boner
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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