I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
