how can u be prego again
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
