HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
