She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
