So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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