right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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