i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
