One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
