matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
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do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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