Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
