You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
