fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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