I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
