i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
