What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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