I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
