just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
