Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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