Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Boobs speak an international language.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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