i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
