you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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