his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
