Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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