My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
