Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
